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December 30 movedI have decided to move to http://dresapp.livejournal.com/ as i find this site faster to load, easier to use and it doesnt have as many problems. Ill keet this one for awhile but i hope you guys will join me at live journal. You have to register to post comments but its free and dont worry you wont get alot of junk mail from them. Itleast i dont. Thanks everyone for being here for me through my challenges. I love you all and hope to stay in touch. i will keepvisiting your sites as well. Love and hugs always, Kris December 05 been sooo longIts been awhile since ive written mostly because im not happy with how slow this blog uploads stuff so im looking at starting a new blog at a different site, ofcourse ill send you all my new site addy. I have dialup so it takes forever to download here. I have found a few quicker ones for me.
As for whats new, Well i have a new puppy named Winston. HEs a pug i bought from work. I paid way too much for him but i love him. Hes been sick with a malabsorbtion problem so he is on lots of vitamins and top dog food. Hes eating better than me these days...LOL
Im still working at the kennel but had to cut back at the horse barn. I couldnt hack both on the same day. So even though id rather muck stalls than dog pens itleast i get paid. I forgot what it was like to work and get paid for it!LOL
Not much else is new. I had a horrible stomach bug yesterday. I had it 2 weeks ago too. It only lasts about 12-24 hours than i was fine but all i did was vomit and get the spins. Felt like a bad hangover without the party. I had to call in sick yesterday to the kennel. I dont think they were too thrilled. I have today off anyway so im just going to relax.
WEll thats all i got for now.....talk atcha later.
October 22 All or nothing.....WEll its all or nothing for me it seems. I was going to "ease" back into working, see what i could handle and take my time getting well again....ha! Well ive got 2 jobs now. Mucking out horse stalls where im keeping sunny now and working at a dog kennel. Both physically demanding. I figure ill either be really fit or really dead in a few weeks! Yes im a shit shoveller! Its my new career!LOL But its working with animals and its what i know.
My mood has been really good this week. Im nervous about doing a second bronch on the 31st. They didnt get enough of a sample from last weeks to see if i had rejection so i gotta do another. Im a bit ticked off about that. I also have a small psuedo infection in my lungs which is the same bacteria i had pre xplant. They are treating that with inhaled antibiotics right now but if it doesnt work than i have to go on IV antibiotics again. I was hoping those days were over. October 10 made it homeMy bronch went okay. One of my fav. doctors who was also one of my CF docs who pushed to bump my status did it. SHe did awsome and i totally trust her judgement. I hardly remember anything!! I spent the afternoon sleeping but i needed it anyway since i didnt sleep last night. I think i had a bit of a fever after too but thats common. I dont remeber coughing at all but i did cough up some blood after but again its expected since they take biopsies of the lung. I should have my results when i go back down on monday. Im praying everything is okay and i have no rejection!! October 08 Happy turkey dayHappy thanksgiving everyone....im so stuffed. I pigged out big time, had 3 years to make up for!LOL
Took some pics today of my honey and our son(the dog)!! LOL Love my boys! October 06 kicked down againWEll my breathing tests were down 10% yesterday and becausae i have no other signs of infection or obvious reasons for it other than i have a cold, they want to do a bronch next week. Im more worried about them puncturing my lung again. I hope they dont find any rejection. I really hope its just the cold that caused it. So ill be spending my weekend worrying yet again and dreading toronto....i am starting to really hate them there. They alwasy find something! On a happier note my liver is doing well and they liver xplant team was happy with me. Itleast something is going right. September 30 not what i was hoping to findWell i said i was out to find out who this "new" Kristy was. Well so far im wishing Id not even tried. Ive found that I am needy, depressed, unmotivated and at times feeling vengeful. Things that I once aspired to do with my life dont hold the same pleasure they used to. I still have no idea what I really want and everything I thought I wanted Im now questioning. I feel like my likes and dislikes change from day to day. I lost my spirit during this xplant ordeal and i thought I was getting it back but i havent. I used to know exactly what i wanted and if someone told me i couldnt i would prove them wrong! HA i cant even get out of bed somedays and dont even ask me about commitment. I dont know one day to the next what i want. I hate what this transition has done to me. I hate the thoughts im having and the regret im feeling. I part of me wishes i had my old body and life. I knew it, i could deal with it. Now i feel like an foreign being I dont know where i fit in or if i ever will. I have no motivation anymore. I have people constantly telling me to take my time and find myself and enjoy it but i hate this not knowing or living. I feel like i have no purpose and im just walking around passing time. Thats not why i wanted to live. My CT came back ok. Just a bit of bulging in my lower back...nothing serious. My GP gave me more pain meds for breakthough pain. Shes a saint. I hate that i need them but without them i dont sleep. Ive still got this cold. Im now hacking up crap and its freaking me out a bit. Havent done that since before my surgery. It brings back some bad memories. Garry is going out today/tonight to a bachelor party for his friend. Im gonna miss him. I dont want to sound like he cant have fun without me but i feel so lonely these days and i want him around or itleast home at night. I dont know when im gonna see him again. Maybe ive become too dependent on him. I hate that. I miss my old self terribly. What is wrong with me? September 25 one thing or anotherMy sister went to the xplant clinic today. She has been having trouble keeping the one anti rejection drug down. It makes her vomit right after and she has missed 3 doses in a row now and she has stomach pain. She is also coughing up crap and running a fever so she may have an infection or possible rejection. The decided to keep her and run some tests. I dont know why they dont change her meds. There is another drug they can switch to if you dont agree with the first one. Its not as good but it may have helped her kidneys and stopped her from getting sick all the time had they thought of that earlier. I hope they find something to help her. I know she has an ulcer so that may be part of it.
My GP's office called. They want to see me regarding my CT of my back. I hope that isnt a bad thing! However it would look good on TO if there was something there and they didnt think it necessary to look into it all this time. But im hoping its just a follow up. Im not in TO this week thank god. Its nice to have a week off however im still running to other appts. Neverending somedays.... September 17 ReflectionsFeeling rundown this week. Probably partially the meds again. Im just so tired. Tired of the pain, the drugs and the fact that my mind doesnt turn off. I havent been sleeping well. I find myself worrying about so much. Like how long is it gonna take to feel better, what is it i want to do now with my life, how my priorities have changed, how they will change, how garry and I can move on with eachother. Than I just want to crawl up in a ball and sleep forever. Im afraid i may be slipping back into a depression. I think its the effect of the drugs im on. Im in clinic tommorow and will be talking with my pshych nurse that I see for my moods so ill talk to them. No im not ashamed that I see one and have been on drugs for it before. Hell I wish they would put me back on the prozac i was on several years ago. THat stuff made me feel so motivated and carefree. I was on it for a few years and it did wonders for me. I was able to stop it after awhile but than I got really sick again and all went to shit again. Now I dont like taking drugs to help me function if i can help it but sometimes its the only way. I have no pride anymore, I dont care!
Its funny how after you have a life altering experience, your lifes priorities change. I always knew what i wanted and I had plans for what i was going to do after my surgery. I was making lists! Now Most of the things on that list dont intrest me. I guess it was the fact that they were things I couldnt do before and dont we all want what we cant have! Well now that i can i dont really wanna. However it scares me that the things I lived for before are no longer most important to me anymore. Maybe ive grown up im not sure. THe fact is I think that Garry and I are the most important issue with me. I used to say that my career and what I wanted would come before any man! HA yeah well t hings have changed and I would probably give up anything for Garry. I know he would never ask me to but its the fact that I love him that much. Its only taken me 3 years to figure that out! I often think that we go through things to realize the importance of what we do have. I came to some realizations over the weekend about myself and my situations. I think im figuring things out but i wont know till its done. I know its abit cryptic but ill add more as i learn more. What I do know is its time to find out who Kristy is. I knew the old Kristy but i dont know who i am now! i guess lifes going to throw what is wishes and ill just have to deal as it comes. September 12 what a long weekThis weekend, Saturday morning my grandmother finally decided to leave us. She passed away with my mom holding her hand at 645 am sept. 9. She battled long and hard with the cancer that took her from us. She had beat uterine cancer when my mom was a young girl. Unfortunatly this time she wasnt prepared to go through treatment again and it spread to her whole body. She was diagnosed before xmas and wasnt expected to live much past xmas. She fought long and hard to see me get my xplants and make sure i was well again.
My family has been here all weekend. The funeral is today at 11am. Its strange how even in sadness good things come out of it. Many of our family members hadnt seen me since I was sick and they got to see me yesterday and will today, well and alive! In every negative there is a positive, we just have to look for it. I for one am relieved that my grandma passed as she was in a lot of pain and she wanted to go. She was 84 and the most amazing woman i know besides my own mother. I know i get my fight and determination honestly. Thankyou Nana for everything. September 04 without my wheelsAqua died on saturday....aqua is my 94 sunbird. I love her but she decided to drop her exhaust. Now it really sounds like i got a hemy under the hood. Ofcourse this happens while my father is in the process of putting in a new steering rack in his van. so we are down to one car between the 3 of us. My dad doesnt have time to work on mine right now. My uncle who is a mechanic also scanned my car this weekend as my check engine light had been coming on for the last month. Turns out i need a new aviator sensor...not sure what that does but they are about $300. I only paid 5 for the car! Luckily my uncle has one laying around at home and hes gonna give it to me. Family is great!
My grandma isnt doing well. Its gonna be anytime. My mom thought for sure it would be last week so my aunts came to stay for the week and my grandma held her own. SHe is in alot of pain and she cannot see anymore and at times she stops breathing(apnea). I saw her on friday and i hardly recongized her. There is nothing left of her she has lost so much weight. SHe is grey looking too. I wish it would just be over with. Its so hard to see this happening.
IM thinking of trying to finish my gr 12. I need 2 more credits. I fijgure if i have something I "have to do" than maybe ill start feeling better and not focus so much on the pain im in and get as depressed. Especially with this cold weather ive noticed that my mood is gong down hill. It often happens with me during the fall/winter.
Back to toronto tommorow.....i hate toronto. August 30 updateWell this week is turning out to be a bit better. My back is doing a bit better and im not as doped up. Im still not feeling clear but i cut my pain med doses up into smaller doses throughout the day instead of 2 whopping doses. This way i can actually get some things done. I even rode sunny on monday but man im hurting since. He is being a bit of a bratt and im pretty stubborn and even if im hurting ill keep on going until i get what i want out of him. I was fine till yesterday! Than every part of me hurt! I also taught lastnight! A friend and client of mine asked me to come out and teach her daughter. I had a blast. I think i really want to start teaching again but i gotta myself back in riding shape first.
Has anyone heard from mt cutie? I havent heard from her in so long. I know she was having a rough go after her surgery and i got a sad email from her and that was the last i heard. If your reading this marisa please email me and let me know how you are doing!!
Dose anyone else hate this new format for the blogs? I prefered the old one better.
Well i dont have much else to add right now. talk to u all later. August 26 stoned out of my tree....Sorry i havent been writing as i much as i used to. I used this thing every day pre xplant but ive just been so tired or in pain to sit long enough on this thing....my back is really pissing me off. My GP increased the muscle relaxantants and im on a higher dose of morphine that is a slow release. Its keeping things better controled but im really stoned feeling all week. I was hoping i would adjust but dont seem to be. All i want to do is sleep....i have so much stuff i want to do but have no ambition and i feel like i have blinders on....my vision is even nasty right now. Not sure what is worse, feeling like this again or dealing with the pain and spasms.
Garry is gone today.... I miss him We have been spending alot of time together. I used to want to be alone all the time and now i dont want him to go or be away from me. I dread him leaving and anticipate his returns....i think im in love!!haha God i sound sick. Its just like when you start a new relationship and all you think of is that person....well 3 years later he still gives me goosebumps!! I think everything we have been through has made us closer and bettered our relationship. I was afraid as to how this was going to change me and our relationship. I honestly thought we may run into problems but we havent.....I love him more than ever. I know he is the man I want to marry and spend my life wth. I can t picture me without him. YES I, KRISTY MITTON AM ADMITTING I NEED SOMEONE!! lol... August 25 Fw: FW: Which baby are you?
Play Q6 for your chance to WIN great prizes. August 21 musicI watched the music video for "since you been gone", by theory of a deadman. WOW, the video is basically about a young woman who is obviously sick, yet she is trying to be strong and still do all the things she has to do and her boyfriend/lover/hubby is singing. She continues with everyday stuff like taking care of the home/farm while she has to stop constantly as she is ill and they show her popping pills and laying in bed crying. My god she is even on a horse in one clip. All i could think was oh my god that was me, is me! Id go about my everyday things and not even clue in i was dlying and was so sick yet id have my own little break downs when i was alone( she did as well). Id pretend i was strong and could handle things and hated to let on i what was happening(as did the girl in the video). THe woman obviously died in the video as at the end he sitting by a grave and the visions are of her and him while she was still around and how she kept getting sicker. The song never really touched me when i heard it till i watched the video. Sometimes videos can really drive home the meaning of the songs. I find these days a song or video can put me into tears so easily. Its a form of poetry and often people can only express themselves that way but when you hear a song you can relate to its amazing how it can affect you. I know the song, "not ready to make nice" by Dixie Chicks was played everyhour when i was in the hospital on my radio and when i got home i watched the video and burst into tears...the one line in the song, " they say time heals everything, but im still waiting.." described exactly how i felt while i was struggling wth my post xplant depression. Music is more powerful than i think we give it cedit for or realize. August 14 renewing old friendshipsI stopped into an old friends house today to invite her mom to my party and was suprised to see her "home". I havent seen her in about 2 years and didnt know she was home. She had been living and working in New York for the last 3 years. We caught up and I saw her barn full of horses and it was nice. Its funny though. I was always soooo jelous of her growing up. she was popular, beautiful and had talent with horses and ridng. She had beautiful horses and a home to keep them. In high school we hung out with different people and never really talked yet when we were younger we were best friends at one point and bombed around on our ponies. Now she is home because she got ill in the states and had to come home, broke up with her boyfriend and now has no liscense up here as it expired while she was gone and she has to go through the whole liscensing program again. She has even put on a bit of weight. SHe is still gorgous however but i guess it goes to show you that even pretty and popular people can run into problems in life and have bad things happen to them. I think we probably understand eachother better now though. She even admitted she has no friends anymore since she has been back. I have more of a soicial life than she does. Im hoping we may be able to reconnect again but if not im glad i have that closure and have seen her. THey may come to my party i dont know. I wont be hurt if htey cant as i know they are very busy people but around the time of my benefit dance her mom dropped off a framed pic of me and sunny and $500 cash towards travel for toronto. THey truly are generous people. I feel like i can never repay them.
Im still feeling shitty today. My back wasnt too bad after drugging myself up and doing some stretches today. On the days I "keep moving" its better but im still wakin up at night. Not as bad but sometimes its just nasty and i have to jump in the hot shower. I seriously want a hot tub. I really hope i can save my back. Im too young for this and i dont want it to hold me back like it has been. Im gonna see my family doc on friday and see if she can give me something to help that wont knock me on ass.
Tommorow i go to see a psychic. I dont know what to ask her. In a way i have lots of questions but im not sure if i really want to know the answers. It might all be crap but im curious....I had a tarot reading before my xplant and he was right about alot of stuff so i know its not all bull. Ill let you know what i think when i get home. My appt is tommorw evening at 7 30.
August 13 feeling a bit rough..Okay So i know its my own damn fault but man I really SHOULDNT DRINK!! Garry and I went out last night and I was not planning on drinking as I dont really like it anymore but Garrys good friend felt compelled to give me a drink and wanted me to get "drunk" with her since Garry was driving...okay im game for a drink but that doesnt mix well on lack of sleep, lack of food and way too many pain meds before hand. So im feeling a weee bit rough this morning. Funny part is i didnt feel bad lastnight. Just tired. I think ill be having a nap later. But on the bright side I never thought Id be able to say this kind of thing again or do it...itleast this crappy feeling will pass.
In other news, I got the okay that i dont need to go back to TGH xplant clinic for a few weeks and just do my regular blood work and PFTS. Last week I hit my all time high of 106% which i figured would be down since the hole put my in my lung....nope! So i guess the chest tube i had to have in 2 weeks ago to reinflate my lung worked. I still feel short of breath and tight but im noticing that the musscle tightness is getting slowely less or maybe im just used to it. I dont know. I also FINALLY got my referall for Physio for my back locally but i have to wait till the 21st to go.
I also went for coffee with my ex this week. We were still friends after we broke up but i havent talked to him in over a year. We had a good eveining of catching up and i think i talked his ear off. He wasnt used to seeing me so "lively" and not coughing. We broke up shortly after i started getting sick more often and having to do IV meds. In a way i think he was a bit relieved i broke it off with him now because he didnt have to go through all this shit but at the time he was really hurt. I figlure i did him a favour by dumping him however im sure it stung when i started dating garry and than got engaged. But what can you do? I wasnt in love with him.
I spent yesterday with my dad on the candy route. My dad really wanted me to go with him like old times. I missed that. Friday was also his birthday so we took him out for dinner and he asked me to go with him sat. I was really tired yesterday but i wanted to spend time with my dad. I love my dad and now I CAN go places with him again. We have fun together. Hopefully next year it will be horse shows instead of appts we are driving to!
Well thats all for now. Love you all..... August 08 riding again...I cantered sunny sunday night......felt awsome. MAybe ill be showing this fall who knows....... July 31 clinic todayHad clinic and xray today. My xray didnt show much of a change in the collapse of my lung so doctor chapparo would like me to come back this week for a CT scan to better look at it and possibly get a catheter put in to drain the air as she is afraid that if left too long the lung may not fully inflate on its own again. My pulse ox was up to 98% today(95% and up is good) so its up from last week and im not as short of breath. Actually today it was that damn back pain that slowed me down as usual. I had a rough weekend with it. Im still waiting for a physio referal for my back and to see the chronic pain people but who knows when that will be. All i know is that i cant handle this pain anymore and they dont want to keep giving me the pain meds. They figure my pain should be managable with tylonel by now....yah okay you have a double lung and liver xplant plus pre existing slipped disc and spinal probs and tell me that tylonel is gonna help you!!
I saw my grandma on the weekend. Shes not doing too well. My mom thinks she isnt going to be around too much longer. I had to watch her wimper in pain as the drugs they give her for pain are at the max dose and not helping anymore. Its the most terrible thing to see someone in pain and not be able to help them.
On a happier note i drove my Aqua tonight(my car) SHes running abit rough and dad just fixed her but she has been sitting since april. WHOOHOOO no more sitting around allday by myself. I only wished her AC worked!
Ill update later when i know whats happening with the lung thing...later gators..xoxoxo July 28 partyI am finally going to get my party that was promised to me before my transplant!! My mom has set up a "celebration-appreciation" party for me to thank everyone in my community as well as family and friends who supported us through everything. Is on Aug 19. The date coincides with the weekend my aunt and uncle will be down from Ottawa and also my mom wanted to wait till i was feeling better both physically and emotionally before having one. Ill admit I probably would not have enjoyed myself a month or two ago as i was struggling with too much stil.. I still am but on a smaller level and im dealing much better. Plus with my 3 month assesment done and (hopefully) everything being okay and me not having to travel to toronto as much its kinda like a 3 month assessment party. I wish you could all make it and join me as many of you have stood by me through this and been tremendous support especially while i was waiting so long. So if anyone is in the mood to go on a road trip id love to see you!LOL
Im already finding mysel kinda bored. Well not bored just overwhelmed to the point that i dont want to anything even though i have lots to do...make sense? It doesnt help that im home alone during the day and my car is being fixed and i still need help doing stuff like getting on my horse....I would like to read or write and catch up on all these movies i have to watch but my concentration is still poor. My mind just wonders too much for me to concentrate. Im even having trouble sleeping again as my mind doesnt shut off or i cant get comfortable. Hopefullly if my bronch was clean they will lower my prednisone which may help with all this. Keep your fingers crossed for me...
ALEX: Your not the only one wanting to kick some ass the other day....I thought Garry was going to hurt someone and my dad came the next day to pick me up and he was ready to do some ass kicking if he needed to as well. He even got a bit lippy with some of the staff at the hospital at one point!LOL I certainly dont want to be the person who actually kills me one day.....they are gonna get a beating of their life i can see!LOL |
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